The Delicate Dance: Discipline, Flexibility, and the Truth About Change
Yesterday, my family and I went out furniture shopping. After months of dealing with a couch destroyed by our husky’s zoomies, we were finally ready to upgrade. While we were browsing, the woman helping us struck up a conversation. She asked what I do for a living, and I told her about my work: the books, the coaching, the research, the writing. She smiled and said, “That’s so needed. I’m one of those people who knows what to do, I just don’t have the discipline.”
That sentence really resonated. Not because I haven’t heard it before, but because I’ve said it before and maybe you have, too.
We often mistake discipline for deprivation, for gritting our teeth and muscling our way through a transformation. We think we have to become someone else to change. Someone stricter, sharper, and less feeling. But that’s not how the body works or how nature works, either. When we approach change like a military bootcamp, our bodies revolt, sometimes quietly, sometimes loudly.
What Rigidity Really Does to the Body
When we force ourselves into rigid discipline, we trigger the stress response. Whether it’s a crash diet, a cold plunge into an intense new routine, or demanding motivation without emotional support, the body interprets it as a threat.
Under stress, the prefrontal cortex, home to our logic, planning, and long-term thinking, starts to go offline (Arnsten, 2009). That’s because the body thinks it’s in danger. The baton is passed to the amygdala (fear), hippocampus (memory), and hypothalamus (homeostasis), which are all lower-brain regions that respond emotionally and instinctively (Ulrich-Lai & Herman, 2009). So we start making decisions not from clarity, but from panic, self-doubt, or shutdown.
Meanwhile, the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis is sounding the alarm, releasing cortisol and adrenaline. Digestion slows, inflammation increases, and we feel tired, foggy, or achy (McEwen, 2004). Sleep becomes disrupted, mental focus is diminished, and the body begins to experience low-grade chronic inflammation, which can lead to discomfort and emotional dysregulation (Besedovsky et al., 2012).
This is where burnout begins and why so many people who start with good intentions find themselves exhausted, binging, or giving up. In fact, severe food restriction has been shown to elevate cortisol and increase the likelihood of binging (Tomiyama et al., 2010).
We are not just fighting bad habits, we’re fighting our physiology.
Other consequences of rigid discipline include:
Rebound behaviors, such as binge eating or abandoning routines altogether
Increased guilt and shame, when perfection isn’t sustained
Physical symptoms, including headaches, digestive issues, and fatigue
Mental exhaustion and decision fatigue, which undermine self-trust, making us question if we are doing the right thing.
Disordered relationships with food, exercise, or self-worth, stemming from all-or-nothing thinking
Discipline, Strictness, and Restriction: What’s the Difference?
We often use these terms interchangeably, but they carry very different energies:
Discipline is self-guided. It’s rooted in purpose and self-respect. It can also be rooted in codes of behavior that lead to punished when broken. Healthy discipline is aligned with values and creates consistency over time.
Strictness is externally imposed or performative. It often stems from fear, control, or comparison. It means we never break the “rules”, no matter what.
Restriction is usually deprivation-based. It’s about removing or denying, often without room for flexibility or compassion.
When we think we need “more discipline,” what we usually need is a shift in energy from punishment to partnership.
Part II: Ayurveda and the Cost of Rigidity
Ayurveda gives us another lens to see this through. The three doshas (remember those from previous blogs: Vata, Pitta, and Kapha) each respond differently to rigidity.
Vata (Air + Space) needs routine to stay grounded, but not chains. Too much rigidity leaves Vata feeling trapped, scattered, or rebellious. A better approach is rhythmic structure with room to breathe, flexible anchors, not rigid walls.
Pitta (Fire + Water) thrives on structure, but can overdo it. Rigidity overheats Pitta, leading to irritability, inflammation, and eventual burnout. They crash not from lack of effort, but from overexertion without emotional regulation.
Kapha (Earth + Water) appreciates consistency, but rigidity adds to their natural heaviness. They may slow down, withdraw, and lose their spark entirely. Instead of igniting change, rigidity can extinguish their inner fire. Instead, depression and procrastination takes hold.
Ayurveda doesn’t praise discipline for its own sake. It praises balance and honors effort that aligns with nature. Not effort that fights against it.
Part III: The Dance of Flexibility and Self-Control
So what do we do when we want to change?
We learn the dance.
Discipline isn’t a whip. It’s a rhythm. It’s choosing to show up with grace, not punishment. Flexibility isn’t laziness, it’s intelligent rest. It’s learning when to bend so we don’t break.
It’s the difference between:
Forcing yourself to meditate for 30 minutes and resenting it...
vs.
sitting down for 5 minutes because you know it nourishes your nervous system.
It’s the difference between:
Eating "perfectly" all week and then bingeing because you're depleted...
vs.
nourishing your body with intention and leaving space for joy.
The secret isn’t in the rules. It’s in the relationship you build with yourself.
A Reflection Activity: The Middle Way
Let’s explore your own dance between discipline and flexibility.
Recall a time you "failed" or didn’t follow through.
What were you trying to do?
What was the pressure or story behind your effort?
Without judgment, describe how your body felt during that time.
Was there tension? Fatigue? Hunger? Frustration?
Name the emotion underneath.
Were you overwhelmed? Lonely? Ashamed? Confused?
Now imagine a friend you adore is feeling exactly this.
What would you say to them? How would you support them?
Now say that to yourself. Out loud. In the mirror. In your journal. Let it land.
Ask yourself: What would balance look like next time?
What’s one small step that feels like a choice, not a punishment?
Remember: One Snickers bar isn’t a failure. Five in a row might be a flag. But what matters most isn’t how many bars you eat. It’s whether the choices you make feel aligned with the life you want to live.
Change doesn’t require war. It requires relationship with your body, rhythm, and inner wisdom.
You don’t need more discipline.
You need more kindness.
From there, the rhythm will come.
References
Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410–422. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2648
Besedovsky, L., Lange, T., & Born, J. (2012). Sleep and immune function. Pflugers Archiv - European Journal of Physiology, 463(1), 121–137. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00424-011-1044-0
McEwen, B. S. (2004). Protection and damage from acute and chronic stress: Allostasis and allostatic overload and relevance to the pathophysiology of psychiatric disorders. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1032, 1–7. https://doi.org/10.1196/annals.1314.001
Tomiyama, A. J., Mann, T., Vinas, D., Hunger, J. M., Dejager, J., & Taylor, S. E. (2010). Low calorie dieting increases cortisol. Psychosomatic Medicine, 72(4), 357–364. https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0b013e3181d9523c
Ulrich-Lai, Y. M., & Herman, J. P. (2009). Neural regulation of endocrine and autonomic stress responses. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 397–409. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2647
The Ayurvedic knowledge can be attributed to my time as a student, instructor, and faculty member at Maharishi International University (miu.edu)
